Monday, July 30, 2012

Filling Empty Arms

Note to My Mom and Siblings: When you read this you will cry, just like I did as I wrote it. So, this is your warning to grab some tissues before you read any further.
Some of you know that there are really six children in my immediate family; me, Kyle, Bobbi, Jake, Vivian, and Kenneth. Only five of us are living, because on May 12, 2001 my youngest brother Kenneth came into this world as a stillborn baby.

(Already the tears are welling up inside of me and I am not sure if I will be able to write this post in one sitting, but I am going to try.)

Kenneth was just one week away from his due date when the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and killed him. Yes, my Mom was older when she was pregnant with Kenneth, but that is not what caused this accident. My Mom had been healthy throughout her entire pregnancy and had been to the doctor’s office just a day or two before my brother died.

As a new believer in Christ, God got me through this tragedy. God showed me that He was faithful even when life did not make sense. I always knew that one day when I got pregnant and had a baby of my own it would be hard, because I had lived through my brother’s pregnancy and death. I anticipated being very anxious throughout my pregnancy and worried about my baby’s wellbeing. I also knew that the final weeks of my pregnancy would be the most nerve wrecking, because for me stillbirth is a reality.

Then it happened!! I got pregnant!! Immediately, I began praying to the Lord and asked Him to give me strength and courage throughout my pregnancy. I am here to testify that God has answered my prayers and given me His peace. 

Over the last 35 weeks of my pregnancy, God has used a song by Matt Hammitt called, “All of Me” to encourage me to love Olivia with everything I have. I want Olivia to have all of me and all my love even if I only get to spend nine months with her!

Last week was very emotional for me as I began to organize Olivia’s things. Part of me wanted to stop, because I was afraid that I was doing all of this in vain. I do not know for sure that I will be able to bring a baby home with me from the hospital. Again, God wrapped His arms around me and reassured me that He is in control, so I have nothing to fear.
Believe me when I say that my brother’s death was not in vain! God had a bigger plan and purpose than any of us ever realized! Not only that, but God has blessed our family in ways that we do not deserve!

God’s plan was to take away my brother. However, since September 2010 (almost 10 years after my brother's death) God began to bless my mother with grandbabies!! After September 2012 my Mom will have had 5 grandbabies in just 2 years! Not to mention that my Mom's first two grandbabies we boys! These babies will never replace my brother, but they have brought a joy to my mother that I have not seen in a long time. God is so faithful!
Here are so pictures of the blessings that God has poured out on my family. Please note that my Mom has two more grandbabies coming in August and/or September!
Mom with Kenneth and Lucas

Mom with baby Kaydence

Here are the lyrics to Matt Hammitt’s song if you are interested.

All of Me
By, Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love, something that could break,
Could I move on, if you were torn away?
I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart, and pray it makes you whole

You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing every fear
You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
Trade the fear of all that I could lose, for every moment I share with you

You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start.

Heaven broke into this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me

You're gunna have all of me, you're gunna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start

You're gunna have all of me,
Cuz you're worth every fallen tear, you're worth facing any fear
You're gunna know all my love, even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts, giving you all of me is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

3 comments:

Rheannon said...

I have to admit I have often thought of your baby brother over the last few years as you have all started having babies. I'm glad that you have found something that brings you peace and pray that you will bring home a beautiful, healthy little girl soon!

K said...

I had some real fears like this when I was pregnant with Vivi. Lani Roberts, Ray L├╝beck's daughter, had a stillborn this last December. It breaks my heart to know someone who has had to face that kind of tragedy. That song is beautiful. Submitting the life of my daughter to the Lord has been a challenge, especailly with heartbreak so nearby. I'm glad you've faced this. It does make you a better mom to know that each day is a gift.

-J.Darling said...

If I'm brutally honest, one reason I don't want to get pregnant is because I don't think I could handle the challenge of pregnancy. Yes, I know, I've done 2 triathlons and I married a military man. Those ALONE are feats of strength and endurance, right?
And having been told early on "you won't have kids" just sort of solidified that door shut for me.
Now that My Sailor and I are seeing what happens with my body, I find myself more and more afraid of what every woman is supposed to be really excited about. Especially knowing that I'll face most of it alone - since my family and most of my friends are in another state. I'm making friends up here, but the going is slow.
Not to mention trusting that the financial end of raising a family will be there is STAGGERING (especially since I make most of the money right now - being alone AND working full time AND pregnant?! I know other women do it all the time, but it's far from my choice!)

But you're right - the only thing we can ever really count on is God's enduring love. Therefore it's our obligation to give all the love we have to those He's put in our lives.

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